Friday, February 18, 2005

Dukes of Hazard Mission Report (or, alternatively, The Daisy Duke Debriefing)

Apologies for the delay on this mission report. As with every Jimmy's Angels operation there was a lot of alcohol involved and memories tend to get a bit fuzzy. But after interviewing eyewitnesses, autopsying corpses, and studying the helicopter cam, I think we've got it all sorted out.

So Jimmy jetted to NC to get Neil/Camron Diaz while I got prepped at the staging area approx. 10 clicks from the cultists compound. We'd be going in undercover, so I figured I should look the part. Lucy Lew don't fuck around. We'd also be undermanned as Bob, our Farrah Fawcett, has recently gone MIA. He's become firmly entrenched with his undercover work teaching children's how to read and right plenty much good, ya'hear?

Jimmy and Neil returned to find me decked out in bib overalls, my "I'm #1" trucker hat, and reeking of moonshine. Neil saw the reasoning behind my boozing and before Jim could stop him had taken a deep draw from my XXXXX jug (not the cheap 4x shit) of backwood firewater. Now that we were adequately sauced, it was cult guy fighting time.

We dropped in behind the perimeter wall, and I do mean dropped. Neil mistook the lights on a cell-phone tower for the police, forgot we were airborne, and saying "Oh shit, it's the cops", leapt from the chopper. Jim's eyes widened in disbelief, but I patted him on the shoulder to say that everything was under control, reassured him that I'd retrieve our wayward son, and promptly stepped out into the night sky. Momentary lapse of reason, I forgot about that whole being four stories up too.

The forty-five foot fall knocked us unconscious only momentarily, and brushing ourselves off, we realized our gear was a lot less resilient than we were. I kinda blacked out around then as my blood lust started kicking on so I'll let Mr. Diaz fill you in on the damage report:

(more to come)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Operation: Dukes Of Hazard

Greetings Angels, Jimmy, and fans. While working at my undercover job last Friday, I had the following correspondence with a personal friend. The names have been changed to protect both her identity and mine.

To bring you up to speed, our client, “Daisy-Duke”, has just mentioned how she’s going away on a retreat for the weekend. My call-sign in this transcript is Silent, cuz me and Lucy Lue are fucking ninjas, bitches:

Si1ent: where's the retreat at?
Si1ent: France would of course be fitting...
Daisy-Duke: hhahha
Daisy-Duke: yeah, i wish
Daisy-Duke: and they pay for it
Daisy-Duke: it's at some beautiful retreat/religious get away placelike half an hour away
Daisy-Duke: or so i hear
Si1ent: sounds like a cult to me
Daisy-Duke: hahah
Daisy-Duke: hope no
Daisy-Duke: not
Daisy-Duke: it's good thing you're talking to me right now since you might not ever get to again
Daisy-Duke: since i'm joining a cult and all
Si1ent: well...
Si1ent: I tell you what
Daisy-Duke: k
Si1ent: so some of my homies and I have decided to form our own secret agent squad
Si1ent: we're calling ourselves Jimmy's Angels
Daisy-Duke: what?!
Si1ent: yeah, the Jimmy's Angels
Si1ent: (I get to be Lucy Lue, the karate chopping one)
Si1ent: anyways
Si1ent: if you don't turn back up on AOL by... oh... how's Tuesday sound?... the Angels will be dispatched
Si1ent: to find this Neverland Ranch and burn it to the fuckin foundation
Si1ent: of course, this service ain't free
Daisy-Duke: justin, i have no idea what you're talking about
Si1ent: for a three man crew, you're looking at $170/hr while we're inthe field
Si1ent: you'll be charged for half-travel time
Si1ent: plus materials
Si1ent: And trust me, we'll be eating up a lot of ammo
Si1ent: wait... you're not following?
Daisy-Duke: no
Daisy-Duke: :-)
Si1ent: If the Cult brainwashes you and you find yourself unable to escape on your own
Daisy-Duke: hahah
Si1ent: The Jimmy's Angels hit squad will take the case
Daisy-Duke: ahhhh...ok
Daisy-Duke: i'll be saved!
Daisy-Duke: thank goodness you're around
Si1ent: And after a grim battle, the Angels will be victorious as always (and lookin' great to boot) and you'll be able to get to class onWednesday
Si1ent: here's hoping there's a lot of guards, I need to practice my kung-fu
Si1ent: that and our cameron diaz could use the work on his aim
Daisy-Duke: hahah
Daisy-Duke: are you at work justin?
Daisy-Duke: because all this is even funnier if you're getting paid to type it
Si1ent: oh yeah, I'm totally on the clock
Si1ent: i've turned my desk so it faces the door now
Daisy-Duke: hahaha
Si1ent: I can fuck off all I want without anyone being the wiser

Soon after that, the cult arrived, her voice became very monotone (yeah, I can totally tell voice pitch over AOL) and I became certain she’d been hypnotized/brainwashed. True to my word though, I waited till Tuesday to see if she’d write me back.

No word yet, bitches. Operation “Dukes Of Hazard” is a go. See you at HQ at 1900 hours tonight. Load ‘em up, strap ‘em on, these Angels are going to be sending cultists up to God for sorting tonight.

Any words of advice, Jimmy?

This is the chop-suey Angel signing off

P.S. Neil, don’t forget to put on your foundation this time! Remember how blotchy your skin looked in those last paparazzi action shots? You know, when we had to rescue those models from the Kremlin? I know it was just bad lighting, but who knows what kind of adverse conditions (i'm certain these cultists won't have natural-light bulbs in their spotlights) we’ll be in tonight. See ya there.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Bravo, Angels

Good work, Angels, on getting things rolling. As missions start rolling in I will be sure to give them my best attention. Let us never forget our primary objectives: cash, chicks, bringing to the world our own particular brand of chaos and, of course, the unending pursuit of good times - not only for ourselves, but the world over!
Your fearless leader and disembodied voice,

A dream built on beer

Well it has come to be,
One night after drinking there was an idea that we would conquer the world as Jimmy's angels and now that day is upon us. Through this new site we will be able to contact each other as well as get leads on new jobs. Through our hard work we will spread the joys of drinking, pilaging and straight pimping to the rest of the world. The responses to this email helped to make this site what it is today, and should help to improve it as time goes on. Please if the general public has any other input post it here for the angels to react to.

Alright so justin and I were talking the other day and in order to help organize our operatives thoughout the country we decided the best way to plan missions and carry them out would be to set up a blog. Now the cool thing about this is that we can all become authors of the blog and add to and edit each others posts as new developments occur and as we formulate our plans. The main thing we will need is to figure out what blogging site we want to use I like blogger as it is what I use but if you guys want to register at a few other places and see the interfaces etc. let me know. Also we will need to discuss the title for the blog, and the overall purpose. Right now as we are in the planning stages some important things need to be discussed such as the idea of uniforms, code names, and what missions exactly we want to be taking on. I am all for helping to save germany from having to close down more breweries as they face the insurgance of Alco-pops but we need a good way of relaying possible missions to Jim and letting him decide where to best use our resources. Please respond back this weekend about anything to do with the blog and I will be in contact later when the details are set up

Cameron Diaz
AKA the brainy angel

Remember we will help whoever needs the help as long as we are getting paid and there is free beer.