Friday, February 18, 2005

Dukes of Hazard Mission Report (or, alternatively, The Daisy Duke Debriefing)

Apologies for the delay on this mission report. As with every Jimmy's Angels operation there was a lot of alcohol involved and memories tend to get a bit fuzzy. But after interviewing eyewitnesses, autopsying corpses, and studying the helicopter cam, I think we've got it all sorted out.

So Jimmy jetted to NC to get Neil/Camron Diaz while I got prepped at the staging area approx. 10 clicks from the cultists compound. We'd be going in undercover, so I figured I should look the part. Lucy Lew don't fuck around. We'd also be undermanned as Bob, our Farrah Fawcett, has recently gone MIA. He's become firmly entrenched with his undercover work teaching children's how to read and right plenty much good, ya'hear?

Jimmy and Neil returned to find me decked out in bib overalls, my "I'm #1" trucker hat, and reeking of moonshine. Neil saw the reasoning behind my boozing and before Jim could stop him had taken a deep draw from my XXXXX jug (not the cheap 4x shit) of backwood firewater. Now that we were adequately sauced, it was cult guy fighting time.

We dropped in behind the perimeter wall, and I do mean dropped. Neil mistook the lights on a cell-phone tower for the police, forgot we were airborne, and saying "Oh shit, it's the cops", leapt from the chopper. Jim's eyes widened in disbelief, but I patted him on the shoulder to say that everything was under control, reassured him that I'd retrieve our wayward son, and promptly stepped out into the night sky. Momentary lapse of reason, I forgot about that whole being four stories up too.

The forty-five foot fall knocked us unconscious only momentarily, and brushing ourselves off, we realized our gear was a lot less resilient than we were. I kinda blacked out around then as my blood lust started kicking on so I'll let Mr. Diaz fill you in on the damage report:

(more to come)


At March 04, 2005 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what happened next? Did you guys get captured? The Frizzle and Chizzle Connection is gonna be rollin into K-zoo next Wednesday. We can bust some skulls if needed.


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