Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Operation: Dukes Of Hazard

Greetings Angels, Jimmy, and fans. While working at my undercover job last Friday, I had the following correspondence with a personal friend. The names have been changed to protect both her identity and mine.

To bring you up to speed, our client, “Daisy-Duke”, has just mentioned how she’s going away on a retreat for the weekend. My call-sign in this transcript is Silent, cuz me and Lucy Lue are fucking ninjas, bitches:

Si1ent: where's the retreat at?
Si1ent: France would of course be fitting...
Daisy-Duke: hhahha
Daisy-Duke: yeah, i wish
Daisy-Duke: and they pay for it
Daisy-Duke: it's at some beautiful retreat/religious get away placelike half an hour away
Daisy-Duke: or so i hear
Si1ent: sounds like a cult to me
Daisy-Duke: hahah
Daisy-Duke: hope no
Daisy-Duke: not
Daisy-Duke: it's good thing you're talking to me right now since you might not ever get to again
Daisy-Duke: since i'm joining a cult and all
Si1ent: well...
Si1ent: I tell you what
Daisy-Duke: k
Si1ent: so some of my homies and I have decided to form our own secret agent squad
Si1ent: we're calling ourselves Jimmy's Angels
Daisy-Duke: what?!
Si1ent: yeah, the Jimmy's Angels
Si1ent: (I get to be Lucy Lue, the karate chopping one)
Si1ent: anyways
Si1ent: if you don't turn back up on AOL by... oh... how's Tuesday sound?... the Angels will be dispatched
Si1ent: to find this Neverland Ranch and burn it to the fuckin foundation
Si1ent: of course, this service ain't free
Daisy-Duke: justin, i have no idea what you're talking about
Si1ent: for a three man crew, you're looking at $170/hr while we're inthe field
Si1ent: you'll be charged for half-travel time
Si1ent: plus materials
Si1ent: And trust me, we'll be eating up a lot of ammo
Si1ent: wait... you're not following?
Daisy-Duke: no
Daisy-Duke: :-)
Si1ent: If the Cult brainwashes you and you find yourself unable to escape on your own
Daisy-Duke: hahah
Si1ent: The Jimmy's Angels hit squad will take the case
Daisy-Duke: ahhhh...ok
Daisy-Duke: i'll be saved!
Daisy-Duke: thank goodness you're around
Si1ent: And after a grim battle, the Angels will be victorious as always (and lookin' great to boot) and you'll be able to get to class onWednesday
Si1ent: here's hoping there's a lot of guards, I need to practice my kung-fu
Si1ent: that and our cameron diaz could use the work on his aim
Daisy-Duke: hahah
Daisy-Duke: are you at work justin?
Daisy-Duke: because all this is even funnier if you're getting paid to type it
Si1ent: oh yeah, I'm totally on the clock
Si1ent: i've turned my desk so it faces the door now
Daisy-Duke: hahaha
Si1ent: I can fuck off all I want without anyone being the wiser

Soon after that, the cult arrived, her voice became very monotone (yeah, I can totally tell voice pitch over AOL) and I became certain she’d been hypnotized/brainwashed. True to my word though, I waited till Tuesday to see if she’d write me back.

No word yet, bitches. Operation “Dukes Of Hazard” is a go. See you at HQ at 1900 hours tonight. Load ‘em up, strap ‘em on, these Angels are going to be sending cultists up to God for sorting tonight.

Any words of advice, Jimmy?

This is the chop-suey Angel signing off

P.S. Neil, don’t forget to put on your foundation this time! Remember how blotchy your skin looked in those last paparazzi action shots? You know, when we had to rescue those models from the Kremlin? I know it was just bad lighting, but who knows what kind of adverse conditions (i'm certain these cultists won't have natural-light bulbs in their spotlights) we’ll be in tonight. See ya there.


At February 15, 2005 4:08 PM, Blogger JIM said...

My biggest piece of advice is this: no matter how thirsty you get DO NOT under any circumstances DRINK THE KOOL-AID! I don't care if a large animated pitcher busts through the wall to offer you a refreshing Tropical Punch. You are not to drink it...unless you throw some liquor up in there first. That shit kills germs... And brain-washing fluid, presumably. Best of luck in this mission, Angels.

At February 15, 2005 4:33 PM, Blogger Neil said...

This is Cameron Diaz, you know that those paparatizi need to be prepared to shoot in adverse conditions if they want to pull off the action shots they so desire. Also you might want to think about not letting the client use your name in the communication if you are to keep your identiy secret. That is again why I am the brainy angel. Jimmy thanks for the heads up on the Kool Aid I expect you and your chopper will be here by 7 pm.
~Cameron Diaz
Also if anyone has any brainy like spelling of my name like Lucy Lue let me know


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